At a recent Halloween party we attended, my husband and I saw a bunch of costumes we didn’t recognize. A girl with a fur jacket, high ponytail and gold earrings standing next to a guy in a soccer uniform. There was also a guy with a mustache and a whistle around his neck that looked familiar but I couldn’t place it. Turns out they were all characters from the popular Ted Lasso series, a show about an American college football coach hired to coach an English soccer team.  After talking to a few people that highly recommended it and getting an overview of the series, we decided to invest in apple tv+ and give this show a try. We were just coming off of the Squid Games so we definitely needed something more light hearted to say the least! I liked the series immediately.

There are a few things that struck me about this show. Without giving anything away, Ted Lasso, like myself, is an optimist. He has a poster hanging in the locker room that says, “Believe” and is constantly in the practice of instilling positivity in his players. He stays curious rather than making judgments and encourages this curiosity in his players. Above all else, he believes in connectedness. His way of getting the team to trust him and to work together is to connect them. He does this by putting himself out there and sharing parts of himself. Throughout the show, the toughest players are letting down their guard and being vulnerable as well. In return they are gaining greater respect from their fellow players as well as the obvious and very evident sense of joy and release that can go along with being vulnerable. 

The other thing that struck me while watching this show was the reactiveness of some of the characters in sharp contrast to the reflective and non-reactiveness of Ted Lasso. There are several scenes with players making assumptions or getting defensive and lashing out at Ted. Rather than reacting and engaging in the argument, Ted does the opposite-he doesn’t react. Instead, he circles back with that player after they have both had time to digest the argument. I have to admit, these reactive outbursts from the players reminded me of previous interactions I have had with my own teenagers. You know when you say something and they just unleash, without even really hearing what you are trying to say?

Kids can be super-reactive. They can come back at you with fire in their eyes, lashing out with hurtful comments. It is so easy to engage in these arguments, to want to defend yourself, to assert your authority and to punish impulsively. 

As parents, it is our job to be the Ted Lasso in the relationship. It is our job to be non-reactive in these heated arguments and exchanges we have with our teenagers.

How can we do this when they are in our faces and we are seeing red?? 

• Walk away or ask for space…if you are not able to get yourself calm or find yourself having the urge to scream back, walk away and compose yourself before circling back. Let your child know you are doing this by saying something such as, “I need to walk away from this right now because I am very upset. Let’s talk about this again when we are both calm.” 

• Practice the pause…Counting to 10 before responding or taking a minute to gather our thoughts can make all the difference on whether this exchange escalates or not. Responding impulsively can often lead to saying things we later regret or bringing other unnecessary things into the conversation. Practicing the pause also allows us time to reflect. Maybe they have been through something similar and you can help them find some perspective. Or you can use one of your own personal experiences as a reference point.

• Stay curious as to what they are really feeling or saying without making your own assumptions.  Often times when kids are venting, there are underlying issues that are driving these reactions. Taking the time to ask, rather than to assume can often lead to a conversation. You could try saying, “You are really upset tonight. Is there something else going on that you want to talk about.”

Dealing with the reactiveness of other people is never easy, especially when it is our own children. Employing these strategies and choosing connectedness over being right, can make the difference in the outcome of the exchange, as well as your overall relationship with your child.  Replacing reacting and punishing impulsively with practicing the pause and staying curious can yield positive results and can help you find more peace in your home.

If you find yourself getting caught up in a reactive moment right along with your child, consider adopting this motto and asking yourself, “What would Ted do?” He seems to have found the winning combination.

Cheers!

xo,

Joan

(If you would like more research and experience based information regarding the power of being vulnerable, Brene Brown writes a wonderful book called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.)