Today is August 1st which marks the turning of the calendar and for many, a month filled with transitions. You need only to enter any retail store to see that transitions are a comin’-the shelves are stocked with back to school and college dorm items, the clothing racks are filling up with sweaters and pants, and the fall decor items and pumpkins are everywhere. I have even seen some Halloween decorations make an appearance in some of the stores! 

I wish I could say that I will spend the last month of my summer just relaxing, taking day trips to the beach, and reading, but in reality, I will most likely be spending much of August preparing for the many upcoming transitions we will have this month. I will be continuing my search for used furniture to help furnish my son’s college apartment; filling out the necessary paperwork and finalizing college loans; helping four kids get outfitted with everything they need for college living, and moving them into their respective colleges. And in a little over a week, we will also be making the huge transition of journeying down to the University of Georgia to settle my youngest daughter into school down there. Quite a change from New England!

Transitions can be exciting but they can also be difficult. Transitions bring about change and even welcome changes can bring about anxiety and strong emotions. For some kids, they can’t wait to mature and move on to middle school or high school, but it will also mean getting used to new surroundings, new teachers and unfamiliar kids in their classes. Getting dropped off at college will mark the start of an exciting new chapter but it will also mean leaving friends and family behind, leaving the comforts of their home and adjusting to living on their own. 

Some children, just like adults, handle transitions better than others. The tricky part is that they don’t always articulate when they are feeling anxious about them and we as parents, often forget that even positive transitions that they are excited about, can also bring about feelings of nervousness and anxiety. Here are a few tips that I have learned in my experience as a mom once the calendar flips to August and all of a sudden the new school year looms closer, the sports try-outs are in a few weeks and the college move-in becomes a reality. 

1. Validate! If they are able to express their feelings about upcoming transitions, validate, validate, validate. All too often we want to tell kids that they are going to be fine, they are going to love school, etc. when in fact, a more helpful response is often just to validate how they are feeling. (Yes, it is going to take some time to learn the new layout of the school; It will be hard not to see each other everyday; I can see why you would be nervous about having new teachers/professors.)

2. Keep a calendar. Have a calendar of what lies ahead. Find dates and times for college move-in, first day of school/classes, and try-out schedules and times. For kids going away to school it’s helpful to know the date of family weekend or the first time they will be coming home. Checking off the days may help them to gradually get used to the idea of these impending transitions and can also involve them in the process of getting prepared. 

3. Preview. Take away that fear of the unknown. Visit the new school. If your child is going to middle school or high school, take advantage of the open house so they can familiarize themselves with the school and have your kids walk their schedule a few times to get used to the routine of moving from class to class. For college kiddos, have them attend their orientation and if possible spend some time walking the campus and learning some of the important landmarks such as the dining hall, student center, and library in relation to their dorm.

4. Be prepared. Schools send out materials lists of things students may need. Although I don’t think it’s necessary to run out and buy items before you know you need them, at the very least have a backpack, notebook and pens ready for the first day. For college kiddos, seek out lists online or from the college about items they may need for their dorms. Involve your child in this process of getting prepared so they can let you know items that they feel might be necessities that you may not have thought of. Often just being prepared helps to lessen the angst about the transition. 
5. Have conversations.  Open ended discussions that start with phrases such as, “How are you feeling about heading back to school”, or “What can I help you do to feel more ready and prepared?” can often be helpful to head off any anxieties about upcoming transitions. 

Summer is short enough and should be spent enjoying our present moments and spending long days outside, not fretting about the future. Taking some of these steps may help to eliminate some angst and aid in the transitions so that you can fully make the most out of your summer. I came across this quote by William Bridges and loved it. Although it may feel like we are overwhelmed and drowning when preparing for big transitions, “It is when we are in transition that we are most completely alive.” I hope this is true for all of you.

Xo,

Joan

I am five days into quarantine and it only just hit me on day 4. I look around at my bedroom, the room I have been essentially locked away in because I have Covid and somehow, miraculously most of my family members do not, and I think…there is so little that I need. It’s not like I haven’t been here before. When the world shut down in 2020 and we were all in lock down, I became aware of exactly the same thing. Surrounded by the people I loved, safe in my own home, enough food to eat, there was nothing else I needed. It was such an amazing lesson in gratitude for all of the things we take for granted every day. And I remember thinking that I was always going to remember that feeling moving forward…ALWAYS.

So what happened between then and now???  Why am I just now feeling like I got hit over the head again?

LIfe….

Life happens. And we get caught up in work and being busy, in acquiring things we think or KNOW we NEED like those new throw pillows from Target (yes I needed those!), and we forget that just waking up in the morning, in our warm beds, surrounded by those we love is a gift we should be grateful for. 

Being surrounded by these four walls day in and day out for the past week has reminded me of this lesson in gratitude that has apparently eluded me. I have found myself feeling more grateful for the things that I already have in my life and less wanting for the things I don’t. It wasn’t something that I was even conscious of right away, but I have found myself wanting to be surrounded by less, and just simply wanting less.  

It started when I started stripping away knick knacks and freeing my surfaces of clutter. I began going through my drawers and REALLY getting rid of things. The tennis t-shirts they give you when you make it to districts, the shirts that I was saving because I can wear them ‘under things’, and the jeans I might fit into again if I just lost 10 pounds. I moved to my closet and started bagging up scarves that I had in excess, extra shoes and boots and costume jewelry that I hadn’t worn in eons. It felt freeing and instead of clearing the clutter to make space for MORE stuff, I realized that clearing the clutter was making room to embrace gratitude for all that I had already. There is so little we truly need. Say that with me…there is so little we truly need.

So how can we continue to have this feeling day in and day out when we are not locked away from the world and forced to do without? How can we hold on to the need for simplicity when we are caught up in the busyness of our lives or in the throw pillow aisle at Target? 

• The first is to start a gratitude practice. Actively expressing our gratitude for the little things in our lives, creates more joy and happiness, and less longing. It has also been linked to improved mental health and to an overall sense of well being. A few minutes of gratitude can change your whole perspective from “I really need that” to “I am so grateful I have what I need.”  

If you are looking to start a gratitude practice, the book The 5 Minute Gratitude Journal: Give Thanks, Praise Positivity, Think Joy by Sophia Godkin, PhD is a simple way to get started. It gives insightful prompts and only takes a few minutes to complete each day.

• Clearing the clutter in our own lives is another way that we can cultivate this less is more mentality. Starting with our living spaces and freeing ourselves of the clutter, frees our mind. It makes space. And it is within that space that we can start to be still and to start to listen to our inner selves. Within that space we can find the answers to questions we have been searching for, to be able to listen to our hearts, and to make changes and decisions we know we need to make. I know this may sound deep for some people, but outer order truly can create a greater sense of inner peace. This can sometimes be a daunting task and it can often be hard to get started.  Some popular books to help you with the decluttering and simplification process are  The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, Outer Order, Inner Calm by Gretchin Rubin, and Let It Go by Peter Walsh. 

I know I will have mixed emotions when I am ‘released’ from quarantine tomorrow. A part of me will want to race out to HomeGoods and Target to see what’s new and exciting and what I’ve missed in my week away from the world, but a bigger part of me knows that I already have everything that I truly need…Window shopping may be a happy medium! 

Xo,

Joan

Well it’s officially December. If you are the kind of person that has already finished your holiday shopping, I am in awe of you (and silently hating you at the same time-lol!).  I feel like it takes me forever to finish my shopping. Some of it is legit-I do have seven children to shop for! And part of it is that I am always on the hunt for the gift that says, “I know you” and I think that just takes longer.

If you are like me and have teenagers and young adults, you know that they can be tricky to buy for. They’ve outgrown the age of Barbies, Legos and sports items that were so easy to find and so exciting for them to open. I remember my son literally shaking with excitement just when he saw the packaging for Thomas the Tank Engine while he was opening a gift.  It’s just not all that exciting opening a sweater or a pair of sweatpants or unwrapping a gift card, but that doesn’t mean that your gifts can’t be fun and meaningful. So…how do you find the perfect gift for your child that says, “I know you?” 

A few years ago, I came across the book The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. I had read the original The 5 Love Languages and was so excited to find that there was a version for parents. The premise of both books is that people feel loved and show their love in five distinct ways. Gary states that when you uncover your child’s primary love language, your child is better able to receive the love he/she needs and in turn feel more emotionally fulfilled.  

These 5 Love Languages include:

• Physical touch-(hugging, cuddling, wrestling, hand holding)
• Words of Affirmation-(hearing I love you, finding post -it notes/love notes, receiving texts about how much they mean to you, getting praise about specific things) 
• Quality Time-(getting your undivided attention, going on special outings, spending time alone doing something together)
• Gift giving-(receiving heartfelt gifts that let them know you care about them)
• Acts of Service-(helping them with projects, practicing for a game/recital, or doing things to make life easier for them)

Although it is important to show all five of the love languages when your children are small, as they grow up they tend to have one or two as their primary love language. I’m sure you have all heard the expression, ‘loving each child differently.’ If you were wondering how exactly you can do this, just ask each of your children what makes them feel the most loved. 

When it comes to holiday shopping, while some children would be thrilled with cold cash or gift cards, others may feel empty if the gifts are not personalized or don’t resonate with their love languages. I thought it might be helpful to share some gift ideas for the young adults in your life for each of the different love languages: 

Physical touch: purchase a gift that is touch oriented such as a soft pillow or blanket or comfy sweater. You might consider a back massage or a spa manicure that uses hot towels or hot rocks. 

Words of Affirmation: write a special card or poem for your child letting them know how you feel about them. Make a scrapbook highlighting some of their accomplishments that you are proud of. Find a sign or picture with a meaningful saying on it. 

Gift giving: Find an item that is part of an existing collection they own, or find something they mentioned to you in passing and you remembered. Personalized gifts or monogrammed items are another great idea. If they are away for the holidays, consider a surprise delivery or a care package.

Quality time: Sign up for a class you can take together such as a yoga or painting class; plan a movie night or schedule a specific time to do something together. Tickets to a concert or show or dinner reservations that were made in advance for a special dinner out are other ideas for quality time.

Acts of service– A coupon booklet is a great idea where they can cash in a coupon for things that they would normally do themselves such as a carwash or car vacuum or a deep clean of their room. If they are living out on their own or at college you could prepare some of their favorite meals for them or do a grocery shop for them. 

Finding gifts that say “I know you” is so much easier when you know your child’s primary love language. The extra time and effort that you put into finding ways to make your child feel loved will be worth it and will make your gift giving more meaningful and fulfilling. As the saying goes, ‘It is in the giving, that we receive.’

Happy Shopping!

Xo,

Joan

At a recent Halloween party we attended, my husband and I saw a bunch of costumes we didn’t recognize. A girl with a fur jacket, high ponytail and gold earrings standing next to a guy in a soccer uniform. There was also a guy with a mustache and a whistle around his neck that looked familiar but I couldn’t place it. Turns out they were all characters from the popular Ted Lasso series, a show about an American college football coach hired to coach an English soccer team.  After talking to a few people that highly recommended it and getting an overview of the series, we decided to invest in apple tv+ and give this show a try. We were just coming off of the Squid Games so we definitely needed something more light hearted to say the least! I liked the series immediately.

There are a few things that struck me about this show. Without giving anything away, Ted Lasso, like myself, is an optimist. He has a poster hanging in the locker room that says, “Believe” and is constantly in the practice of instilling positivity in his players. He stays curious rather than making judgments and encourages this curiosity in his players. Above all else, he believes in connectedness. His way of getting the team to trust him and to work together is to connect them. He does this by putting himself out there and sharing parts of himself. Throughout the show, the toughest players are letting down their guard and being vulnerable as well. In return they are gaining greater respect from their fellow players as well as the obvious and very evident sense of joy and release that can go along with being vulnerable. 

The other thing that struck me while watching this show was the reactiveness of some of the characters in sharp contrast to the reflective and non-reactiveness of Ted Lasso. There are several scenes with players making assumptions or getting defensive and lashing out at Ted. Rather than reacting and engaging in the argument, Ted does the opposite-he doesn’t react. Instead, he circles back with that player after they have both had time to digest the argument. I have to admit, these reactive outbursts from the players reminded me of previous interactions I have had with my own teenagers. You know when you say something and they just unleash, without even really hearing what you are trying to say?

Kids can be super-reactive. They can come back at you with fire in their eyes, lashing out with hurtful comments. It is so easy to engage in these arguments, to want to defend yourself, to assert your authority and to punish impulsively. 

As parents, it is our job to be the Ted Lasso in the relationship. It is our job to be non-reactive in these heated arguments and exchanges we have with our teenagers.

How can we do this when they are in our faces and we are seeing red?? 

• Walk away or ask for space…if you are not able to get yourself calm or find yourself having the urge to scream back, walk away and compose yourself before circling back. Let your child know you are doing this by saying something such as, “I need to walk away from this right now because I am very upset. Let’s talk about this again when we are both calm.” 

• Practice the pause…Counting to 10 before responding or taking a minute to gather our thoughts can make all the difference on whether this exchange escalates or not. Responding impulsively can often lead to saying things we later regret or bringing other unnecessary things into the conversation. Practicing the pause also allows us time to reflect. Maybe they have been through something similar and you can help them find some perspective. Or you can use one of your own personal experiences as a reference point.

• Stay curious as to what they are really feeling or saying without making your own assumptions.  Often times when kids are venting, there are underlying issues that are driving these reactions. Taking the time to ask, rather than to assume can often lead to a conversation. You could try saying, “You are really upset tonight. Is there something else going on that you want to talk about.”

Dealing with the reactiveness of other people is never easy, especially when it is our own children. Employing these strategies and choosing connectedness over being right, can make the difference in the outcome of the exchange, as well as your overall relationship with your child.  Replacing reacting and punishing impulsively with practicing the pause and staying curious can yield positive results and can help you find more peace in your home.

If you find yourself getting caught up in a reactive moment right along with your child, consider adopting this motto and asking yourself, “What would Ted do?” He seems to have found the winning combination.

Cheers!

xo,

Joan

(If you would like more research and experience based information regarding the power of being vulnerable, Brene Brown writes a wonderful book called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.) 

Happy November! If you are anything like me, you woke up feeling like it can’t possibly be November yet. I had to limit my Instagram scrolling because suddenly everything turned from pumpkins and fall leaves to Christmas! Just a big pass over Thanksgiving. I have always forced myself to be patient for the holidays, holding out to decorate for Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving, but over the past couple of years, I have been succumbing to the external pressures of getting it all done early so “I have more time to enjoy the holidays.” I have decided that I am no longer adopting this mentality. All it has done for me is make me spend twice the amount of money on decoration and gifts because I have had twice the time! 

This brings me to today’s thoughts about getting things done. I noticed today that I was starting to slip back into my ‘doing mode’ and slipping out of my ‘being mode.’ In my ‘being mode’, I take time to meditate daily, practice gratitude and measure my days by the amount of connectedness I feel with others and the joy that comes from exchanges with my husband and all of my kids. A great day for me is when I have connected with all seven of my kiddos on some level, whether it be Facetime, Snapchat, in person or on the phone. But here I was starting to allow the ‘doing’ to define myself and my day. I woke up feeling the need for production. I heard myself say, “Oh, good for you Joan, you got all of your clothes hung up and the laundry put away.” I felt my internal voice praising me for my tasks. I was checking things off my to-do list. I was being productive and therefore I was worthy of another day on this planet! 

And then I sat down to do the FAFSA. Because if I could do this, I would really reach new levels of productivity! If you know anything about doing the FAFSA, you know that it is a daunting task of applying for federal student aid that for me typically takes a good part of a day, or two, with multiple fits and starts. And lucky me, I get to do it three times this year.  After collecting all of the necessary paperwork items I would need (a huge feat in and of itself since I am currently in a walking boot with a pair of crutches and everything I needed was scattered in different places around my house), I got down to work. Let’s just say, it didn’t go well. I got bumped out of the system at least 3 times, losing most of what I did each time. I was also interrupted by my daughter panicking and needing my computer RIGHT THIS MINUTE because her meeting was starting and her computer wouldn’t load her meeting!!! (subsequently bumped out again)…

Hours wasted…and this productive feeling that I was feeling was gone and so was my feeling of worth for the day…

Do you ever feel this way?? That you need to be constantly productive?? That your day is based on what you can accomplish? That your self worth is based on how many work calls you made, how many drop off and pick ups you did and the items that you crossed off the never ending list running through your head all day?

I called one of my best friends today and told her how frustrated I was that I was seven weeks post surgery and was still hobbling around on my crutches, relying on everyone for almost everything. I told her how badly I wanted to be up and moving and getting things done. She encouraged me to focus on moving forward with my rehab and to give myself some grace. She was right. Our conversation made me reflect. The first few weeks after my surgery were some of the best of my life. Instead of running around being busy and crossing things off my to-do list, I was resting, connecting with friends I hadn’t seen or talked to in forever, writing in my journals, reading, and talking to my college kids in the middle of the day. It was glorious. I was just being and with that came an overwhelming feeling of peace and joy.

I felt instantly grateful for the time I had been given, and yet I know I can’t do this forever. Eventually I will be heading back to real world of work and caught up in the pressures and commitments that go along with my job. But I also know that I don’t have to be doing, doing all the time. 

The key to life I am starting to see is balancing the doing with the not doing, the doing with the just being…there needs to be a balance. What if, in addition to getting things done in our day, we gave ourselves permission to just be?

So what does just being look like? If I have heard it once, I have heard it a hundred times from people telling me that they just don’t have time to take a break in their day or to sit down to rest or meditate. I am here to tell you that taking just ONE MINDFUL MINUTE a day will yield results. All of these simple techniques can be done by just setting your phone timer for 1 minute. 

1. Close your eyes. Take a deep cleansing breath through your nose and blow it out through your mouth. Visualize yourself letting go of whatever is stressing you or whatever you are holding on to with each long exhale. You will be amazed at what 1 minute can do.
2. Take one minute to say what you are grateful for. I typically do this exercise in the car on my way to work. I start with being grateful for another day to learn and to grow and from there I get more specific. The more specific you can be, the more you will start to appreciate all of the little things in life. Instead of saying, I am grateful for my daughter, you might say, I am grateful I got to give my daughter a kiss goodbye today before she left for school.
3. And lastly, take a minute to repeat a mantra that resonates with you. Since we are focusing on just being and not doing, a mantra I have adopted for this is:

“I am enough. Who I am is enough. What I do is enough. And what I have is enough”

Taking a mindful minute is a great way to reset and to shift your thoughts out of the constant doing, to incorporate some more of the being. For it is truly in the being where we can experience more and lasting joy. I hope you give these techniques a try! Off to take my own mindful minute before I dive back into the FAFSA’s!! 

A couple years ago,  I was walking the halls of the school where I work mumbling this mantra again and again to myself, “Dear Universe, show me where I can be useful, please let me be the light, show me where I can be useful, please let me be the light….”

I am a speech-language pathologist for little kiddos, a job which by all definitions is very useful. I help children find their voice, improve their communication skills, engage appropriately with their peers, and learn how to better comprehend language that is coming at them all day long. 

Yet for some reason I had this nagging feeling that I was meant to be doing something more. This restless feeling was nothing new for me. I have been there before. I have a strong intuition that I used to ignore but over the years I have been honing and tapping into it more and more.

The universe answered my call and I was led to pursue a path in life coaching. It was through this path where I found my true life purpose and where I have been able to help people navigate the obstacles in their lives and emerge with more joy and a greater sense of knowing. My own life struggles have been shaping me for this opportunity and I have learned for certain that being  the light comes from having broken open and showing those broken parts to whoever needs to see them. And being useful means that I can use my experiences to help others who are also struggling and I can do this by sharing our story. 

If you read my About Me section you can see how our story came to be. In a nutshell, after a very difficult divorce in my late 30’s, I remarried six years ago and my new husband and I “happily blended” our seven children, who ranged in age from 10 through 16 years old. 

The first thing people do when they find out we are a blended family is to exclaim, “Oh, you are just like the Brady Bunch!” My husband and I half-heartedly laugh because a) we have heard this like a million times, and b) because we hate to burst their bubble that we are nothing like the Brady Bunch. For starters we have 7 kids to their 6 and we are missing the whole Alice live-in housekeeper. Oh, my how we are missing an Alice! Our lives are not perfectly orchestrated where every episode wraps up neat and tidy with a lesson learned and Mike and Carol sitting up in bed reading. Our lives are messy and real. Over the past 6 years, my husband and I have navigated the ups and downs of parenting seven teenagers, all while juggling work, co-parenting with our ex-spouses, and keeping up with the laundry and grocery shopping! Oh, and trying to do this with humor, support, compassion, curiosity, and most of all love. Together we have learned so many valuable lessons that encompass the heart of my goal as a life coach. 

The purpose of this blog is to shed light on those of you that may be experiencing dark days. I hope to use our experiences and my insight to share stories that may resonate with all of you and that may give you hope at a time when things don’t feel so bright.